


can't let you roam inside my head

by strideofpride



Series: I'm still alive (or, the Pearl Jam trauma series) [3]
Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Pre series, Season 3, don't worry i think william is evil, season 5, the vdw/rhodes family was so fucked up, unhappy fic alert!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:01:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29957223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strideofpride/pseuds/strideofpride
Summary: It’s not her fault that she looks so much like her father, but that still doesn’t change the fact that Lily gets a pain in her stomach every time she glances at her own daughter.
Relationships: Lily van der Woodsen/William van der Woodsen, Serena van der Woodsen & Lily van der Woodsen, background Rufus Humphrey/Lily van der Woodsen
Series: I'm still alive (or, the Pearl Jam trauma series) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2198955
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	can't let you roam inside my head

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I don't know where this came from either.

The first thing she ever noticed about William was his eyes. 

They were bright blue, the color of the sky when he was in a good mood, the color of a stormy sea when he was in a bad one. Despite the perma-smile on his face, Lily could tell by his eyes he was usually in a bad mood. 

They were a happy little family once, she thinks. They must’ve been. But she remembers visits to the playground with him and the kids, looking at the other happy families around them, and thinking she couldn’t relate to them at all. They were all the same, little girls just like their mothers, little boys just like their fathers. 

And isn’t that the stereotype? The son looks like his dad, the daughter like the mom? That’s not the case in the Van der Woodsen family though. Serena might have her blonde hair, but Eric is the one who has her delicate facial features. Serena inherits William’s beautiful blue eyes instead. 

After William leaves, it gets harder and harder to look at Serena, look her in her eyes. It’s not her fault that she looks so much like her father, but that still doesn’t change the fact that Lily gets a pain in her stomach every time she glances at her own daughter. 

As she gets older, Serena doesn’t just look like William, she starts acting like him too. She’s restless, always on the verge of running away. Even when she’s there, she’s not present, her eyes stormy just like his always were, wishing he was somewhere else. 

When she gets diagnosed with cancer, Lily’s not sure why she even turns to William. She could find a doctor just as good in Manhattan. But that would mean telling Rufus, and she can’t bring herself to do it, not able to break his heart for the millionth time, not able to tell him that once again their time together might be cut short. Besides, as much as she hates to admit it, there’s a level to comfort in seeing William, something another doctor wouldn’t be able to provide for her. 

She’s not surprised when William fakes her relapse. She supposes she should be, it’s such an awful thing to do to someone. But William has treated her terribly for as long as she can remember, always putting himself first, solely focused on what he wants to the determinant of others. 

To Rufus’ dismay, she still lets him back in her life anyway. Despite everything, William is family. She might as well have signed a deal with the devil when she let him be the father of her children, but the deal is closed now, and the contract can’t be ripped up. She just has to live with her choices. 

Turns out, William is even more family than she ever realized. She feels sick to her stomach when Serena first tells her that Charlie or Lola or whatever her name is now is his daughter, not wanting to believe it. But she knows William and she knows Carol and knows that it wouldn’t be beyond either of them. 

And besides…Lola has eyes just like William too.


End file.
